i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
