You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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