I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
