Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
