what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
