i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
