I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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