I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
