I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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