i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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