if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm sobbing to NWA
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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