508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
