I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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