with your own penis?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
