dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
