how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
