honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
