i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
