I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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