five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She needs sedatives and a leash
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
