tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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