Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
