so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize