saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
