what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
