My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
