I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
