I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
