we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
