hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
