Someone shit on the floor
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize