Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
