She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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