He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
