i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
