I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Im part way to drunk.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize