dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
