So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
