i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
