I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize