I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I got inside last night via doggy door
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
