is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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