update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
