I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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