11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
