It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
