Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
