it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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