I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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