And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
