I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
