Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
