Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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