dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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